Why do we dim our light to make others comfortable? (Part 1)

 WHY DO WE DO IT?

Surely they would want to see our light shine if they are close to us right? Surely they would want to celebrate our successes and be happy to see us happy?!

Well in most cases they do, and actually the reason we dim our light is more about us than them.

You know all those times you talk yourself down, feel insecure and lacking in confidence.  Overthinking and worried that people will think you are boasting or showing off?  Or you are a people pleaser and empath and don't want others to feel bad about their situation if yours is doing better?

I would like to think your loved ones aren't thinking any of those things and it is all in your head.  They would love to see you shine and in fact enjoy it when you do! It's actually you that holds yourself back.

However, Unfortunately, there are those cases where some people we care about quite frankly don't want us to shine.  

And this is all to do with them....not you!

Initially, it is your light that draws them to you…like a moth to a flame.  They see all the wonderful things about you that make you shine and want a piece of it, to revel in your glow and bathe in your brightness.  They make you feel special and safe to be yourself in all your glory.  They want you to shine brightly by their side, boasting to family and friends about how amazing you are, leaving you feeling radiant and proud of your light.

Who wouldn't feel amazing in this scenario right?! It leaves you pinching yourself thinking 'this is just too good to be true!'

Well, I hate to be the one to say it but, if it's this full on, it probably is! 

Only time will tell...

A lot of things can change in time, and with the wrong people (I like to call them toxic people) it can quite literally go from feeling like you are on cloud 9, to contempt, jealousy and passive aggressiveness towards you.  Mental and emotional manipulation/abuse.  All to dim your light and pull you down off of the very pedestal they put you on in the first place.

An important thing to remember here is that people like this, they never put you on that pedestal for YOU, because they genuinely want YOU to shine FOR YOU. 

They put you on that pedestal for themselves, to make THEM look good.

Thinking:

• ‘Look at how great I AM to have this person as my friend'

• 'I must be so amazing to be able to get this person as my boyfriend/girlfriend, my friends are going to be jealous and my family are going to think I am a great partner and person'

• 'Look at how great I AM to have a son/daughter that has achieved so much, everyone is going to think I am the perfect parent.'

You see it's ALL ABOUT THEM!

Rather than:

• 'I feel so blessed to have such a great friend'

• ‘I am so grateful to have such an amazing partner, I feel lucky to be with them'

• 'I am so proud of my child and all that they have become'

You can probably tell, I speak from personal experience here.  But also from the experiences of many of my clients, friends and family members who have sadly had to feel this, endure it, face it and heal from it.

Realisation of this comes with it deep pain, disbelief, shame and grief.

‘Why do they want to dim the very light that they were attracted to in the first place? That doesn’t make sense!’  I hear you thinking…and that’s a bloody good question! 

To us non-toxic people it is extremely hard to wrap our heads around such manipulative and toxic thoughts, behaviours and actions, because we are just not wired that way and can’t fathom it.

Let’s break it down with a metaphor most of us can relate to…

Take what I said above how they initially want to ‘bathe in your brightness’ and relate it to when you are sunbathing (especially when on holiday as it just feels even more amazing then!) 

What are you thinking and feeling? I’m going to hazard a guess here, but something along the lines of ‘The sun is amazing, it feels so nice and hot on my skin’, ‘It’s so good to just relax and soak up the rays’.

Now think about what this amazing sun is doing for you. It’s going to give you a nice suntan and a healthy dose of vitamin D.  With your sun kissed skin you're feeling more confident than ever and ready to rock that new outfit for a night out.  Even looking forward to showing off to everyone back home that you’ve been on a beachy sun filled holiday.  

Let’s be honest, we tend to lay there thinking about how the sun is making us feel, as if it is shining FOR us.  Not so much about the sun itself and what makes it shine.

Now, you’ve sunbathed until your heart's content and you’ve got all you need and want from it.  You don't really think about the sun anymore in the same way.  In fact if you’ve had a bit too much you may even start to avoid it, complain that it’s too hot, it’s too bright, it’s burning and uncomfortable.  All the things you originally loved about it and wanted to bathe in no longer interest you.  

The sun hasn’t changed, but your attitude towards it has.

But do you think the sun is going to dim its light just to make you feel comfortable?

Now then... 

Hankering for some helpful real life examples of how this all plays out in a (toxic) relationship?

You’re in luck as I will be giving you just that in part 2, so be sure to keep your peepers peeled…

I will be sharing my own personal experiences with you, going deep into the thoughts and feelings associated with it all and how I managed them (and how you can too!). 

Until then keep shining & remember that you are friggin’ amazing!

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With Gratitude & Joy always

Lucy Joy