Part 2 - UP CLOSE & PERSONAL (As promised!)

Welcome back to PART 2 of this topic -

Why do we dim our light to make others comfortable?

(If you missed part 1 you can find it here)

Right, let’s get back to it!

A moment from my experience that has always stood out to me is a time when I was really struggling in a personal relationship.  I was so confused, wondering 'how did it all go so wrong?!' I was doing everything I could to try and make it work, but although things would appear to get better, it was only ever temporary.  

An important learning point…

Repair only works in a relationship if both people want it and are actually doing what they can to genuinely make it better.  The confusion comes when both say they want to repair it, yet only one is genuinely acting on those words while the other is doing everything they can to sabotage it (whilst still saying they want repair and blaming you for not doing enough)...yep that's just toxic isn’t it?!

 In this time of confusion I still didn't allow myself to think 'perhaps it's not me, perhaps it is them.'  

Welcome the unhealthy mindset trap of a people pleasing, codependent, anxiously attached, trauma bonded perfectionist!

The trap of feeling and believing that YOU just need to understand what it is that YOU are doing wrong, in order to bring the good part of the relationship back.  The part where they revelled in your light and wanted you to shine rather than cruelly doing everything they can to dim it and drain you without you even realising.  You think as if it is something about YOU that has caused them to hold such contempt rather than just understanding that THIS IS WHO THEY ARE, and that you are in fact a victim of it.

It is your kind, caring, empathic nature and your true goodness (without boundaries) that keeps you trapped (and kept me trapped) in such a shit situation for so long.  As a person capable of self reflection and growth you will always look at yourself and analyze what you did and what you can do.  You are always first to take responsibility and accountability for your actions.  It is easier for you to do that than point a finger to someone else.  You see, people like us don't do the blame and shame game.  

Another learning point here…Wake up and smell the coffee!

It is ok to (and in fact I urge you to!) wake up and recognise things for exactly what they are.  

Understand that sometimes, you CANNOT and SHOULD not (I'm allowing myself to use this word here!) SACRIFICE YOURSELF TO FIX IT.

The sooner you realise that nothing you can do or say will change people like this, the better.  They will always find something to hold against you!

Seriously, I could go into a whole world of examples here and I’m sure a few of you are squirming in your seats with things that are coming to mind from your own experiences too!...please hit reply and share them if you’d like to get them off your chest! 

Let me give you a more specific personal example of mine (Phew! This is getting deep!)...

 At the beginning, this person hugely admired me for my travelling adventures.  Boasting to others about me and how close we were.  I was told how inspiring I was and how they could see us travelling together (which was a dream of mine as I wanted to continue travelling as much as I could).

How did this turn out? 

Well… We never travelled outside of the country together.  The only time we went anywhere together was on their terms, for their hobbies or for their reasons (surprise, surprise!).  In fact, I didn’t even travel anywhere on my own in that time besides to see my family.

It went from proudly boasting to contemptuous eye rolling if discussion of my travel experiences came up.  Passive aggressive remarks, and disrespectful comments disguised as ‘jokes’ made me feel uncomfortable about sharing anything to do with my exciting experiences with people who were genuinely interested or asking about them and had similar stories to share. 

I was left questioning myself…’do I talk too much about it?’ (A frequent comment they would make 'jokingly') ‘Does it look like I'm showing off?’ Deep down I felt like I was well received by others when I was being authentic, but I was constantly second guessing myself and lacking in self trust.  The things that used to light me up and shine were being dimmed by this.  

Yet, I still couldn't let myself believe that they were purposely trying to put me down, dim my light and basically shit all over me!

Now, you’ve probably heard the term ‘gaslighting’ being thrown around a lot these days (maybe even to the point that it makes your eyes roll every time you hear it now!).  

Nevertheless, it is important to take it seriously and understand the severity of it and the repercussions gaslighting can have on its victims.  This is essentially what was happening here (although this is a milder example, I do have many more severe examples from personal and client’s experiences I can share, if you are interested let me know).  

I was so lost in myself, in confusion, self-doubt and self reflection that I couldn't see it for what it was (I wasn’t smelling the coffee that was right under my nose!).  Rather than understanding that this was not ok, it was cruel, unkind, manipulative and toxic, I defaulted to fixing, and all those wonderful qualities about myself I knew I could count on.  Just, rather than having empathy and compassion for MYSELF and looking after MY needs (as the victim), I extended it all out to THEM.  

I’ve said it in my most recent video and I’ll say it again, these qualities without boundaries in the wrong hands are only going to keep you trapped in a very cleverly woven web. 

I thought about them, what they must be going through and feeling to behave this way and why.  Thinking ‘perhaps because they haven't travelled and have always wanted to, it feels like I am rubbing it in their face?’ ‘Perhaps I'm not very understanding of their feelings each time it comes up and I talk about it.’  But I never was trying to rub it in their face OF COURSE! 

From the very beginning I was led to believe that they loved these things about me, they themselves were the ones proudly boasting about them to others.  So quite naturally the sudden change was RIDICULOUSLY CONFUSING! I was just being me, letting those lights in me shine naturally as these were my experiences, but they didn't want me to shine anymore, they now saw me as a threat as they needed to be the brightest light in the room ALWAYS.

Now this story doesn’t just stop here…

 (but it does for now as I know you probably have things you need to be getting back to…)

In the next email I am going to share with you the real depth of my DELUSION!...

We’ll call it ‘The Story of The Fridge Magnets’....

If that doesn’t get you hanging to the edge of your seats eager to read more I don’t know what will! ;)

Don’t you go dimming that beautiful light of yours in the meantime x

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With Gratitude & Joy Always,

Lucy Joy